From 3/31/2012. I wrote this at a poetry workshop after being asked to think about the place where I am the happiest. I was writing while sobbing. I miss my grandma so deeply and completely and, recently, this emptiness described below is expansive and seems exponentially larger than it was before.
The blue chair surrounds you and your joy explodes the room in sunshine. The energy you produce fuels me and I want to be near you. Your arms wrap around me and all is right with the world. Understanding. Joy. Acceptance. I am me. You are you. This is the only place I can be those things. You are the only one who knows me. And you’re gone. You have been for so long and yet that space you occupy is still empty. The cavern you filled echoes to eternity and no amount of joy or pleasure can ever compare. I go on. You want me to, I know. You urge me to… I feel it. But I miss the smell of Right Guard and Peppermint. I miss the fluffer-nutters. I miss your voice, your encouragement, your love. You are who I’d like to be. 100% genuine at all times… but, I hide sometimes. It’s exhausting and without you, I’m floating on a quarter-tank and conscious of the miles to go and fearful I’ll never find another that fuels me the way you did.