Yes, “Everybody wants to love, everybody wants to be loved,” yet both of those seem critical to a balanced equation.
C6H12O6 + C6H12O6 => C12H22O11 + H2O
(that’s glucose + fructose combining to form sugar and water… seems to be a decent comparison when two sweet people come together – together they combine for a palatable sweetness and what is left is harmonious)
Love is an interesting thing. With somewhere to transfer the energy that love creates, it is constructive; yet, without the proper additive or outlet, I have found that love itself can be self-wounding. Very counterintuitive to me: I thought love was always a good thing.
I have worked throughout my life to be the type of person who can genuinely love myself. I know that I have flaws, and though I’m working on those too, I also know that I have a lot to offer and am generally a good person who is worthy of happiness.
So this feeling that I’m left with as a result of love being created from the inside and needing somewhere to travel out is a difficult phenomenon to describe or understand. It certainly doesn’t feel as though karma is in balance/functioning. The closest I have gotten to a moderately functional description is to the conception of love as a substance capable of being measured by volume.
So, picture this: a container (me) is being self-filled with liquid (love). This container is filled from the inside and though there is an outlet for overflow of the liquid (another person), this outlet is only functional when accessed by the proper outlet (one of high importance and who the container deems worthy, aka, loves/in love with). So, the problem becomes that the rate of expansion of the volume does not slow depending upon whether there is an outlet for overflow. Thus, when there is no outlet, the container increases in pressure and approaches the point of explosion.
Now, let me be clear. I’m fine. It’s just an overabundance of love, really, which one can hardly call “terrible.” I’ve tried to direct it toward good to others, to snuggling with my dog, to time with friends, to family. And yes, I’ve even directed it toward me. But even I can only take so much. Some of these pacify the overflow and provide some relief of pressure, yet they do not fit or, perhaps, do not fit the point of connection. Perhaps it’s like just the right needle for pumping up a soccer ball, one for a yoga ball just doesn’t work. Perhaps this is just too many mixed metaphors. And really, the overflow container doesn’t always receive the love (that could be as smothering as I find too much internal love) just that the knowledge of said overflow potential keeps a consistent pressure release that allows for a comfortable pressure inside the container.
The point being that the very thing that I thought was good, feels moderately bad (or at least inconvenient) when there is no where to “put it.”
I’ve had glimmers of suitable overflow vessels, a few of which were compatible enough to maintain a stable pressure and unfortunately, a couple that might have found an access point that left too little pressure (draining rather than fulfilling). It baffles me that at this point in my life, I’m still even having to worry about this. I know that I have “plenty” of time (which is relative, really, since with what I’d like my life to look like, it doesn’t seem that “plenty” is left) and that I’m a good person and worthy of the same.
I just hope that my vision for my life is just what I have in store, even if not on my timeline. (And yes, I know that it *should* happen, but there is also no guarantee that it *will* since none of us have a crystal ball that is 100% accurate.) I also hope that in the meantime I find a way to relieve some of this pressure. Too much love without an outlet is forcing the chambers of my heart to work overtime it seems and leaves my heart feeling a pressure that I’m not comfortable with: physically or emotionally.